Everyone else here has said many of the words I would like to say to you. So the only small thing I can offer you is perhaps a little bit of advice. When I feel the overwhelming urge, I sit still and do deep breathing exercises. I count how long each breath is and I just focus on that. Sometimes I'll put on sounds of the ocean to help focus on the breathing. After a time the urge will go away.

Perhaps this could work for you too... I am not upset with you, I think you're a wonderful person and mistakes happen, but they are in the past and tomorrow is a new day.