i dont know why i do this. but i tend to re-enact parts of my csa over and over in my mind. and the scenes have slowly gotten more disturbing over time. i think that i relate s** with being demeaning to the extreme. i think partly im trying to make sense of it. but why would i want to make it worst than it was. its like that is the only way it could ever be enjoyable. ive never imagined any other way. it just wouldnt seem real to me. to me this is the way its meant to be. even tho i know its wrong - its right.