Hi. I'm new here, and not sure where to start, so I suppose I'll begin at the beginning of what I've been bothered by recently.

A couple of months ago, I started dating someone considerably younger than me (we'll say 12-15 years, I'm 37). Bethany (not her real name) was sweet, kind, funny, and fun to be around. At the outset, I tried to be as straightforward as possible, and explained that I'm not necessarily looking for something long term. It seemed for a moment that she might be. Anyway, we decided mutually that we were simply going to enjoy our time together, and have some fun. We did. At some point though, I think I subconsciously wanted more, as I found myself coming around a little too often and wanting to spend more and more time with her. I guess I don't know how to admit to myself that I truly want long term and stable companionship.

A couple of weeks ago, she put the brakes on. She didn't even dump me at first, just a gentle prodding to spend a little less time together. I thought I was OK with this, but I guess on sensing imminent rejection, I couldn't handle it, and I suppose I turned up the heat a little. I think I probably have issues with attachment/abandonment. At any rate, she then put an end to things, as I was expecting she would do. Emotionally, I completely flipped out. Crying and hurting from the pain (despite the fact that this was only a 60 day fling), I showed up at her house a couple of times unannounced. In my insecurity, I even demanded to know if this was about her dating or wanting to date someone else. I'm ashamed that I even woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night and walked by to see if anyone was staying over. This part worries me. It's not who I try to be or who I want to be.

She told me it certainly wasn't about anyone else, and re-explained for the umpteenth time that this was about the fact that we're heading in different directions and that it "just didn't feel right." After a couple of days I told her I thought it would be healthy for both of us if I just dropped out of sight for awhile and she agreed.

So, completely ignoring my own inclinations, I then proceeded to "run into" her last weekend after she told me she was hanging out with her roommate and their mutual friend. Of course, I found what I went searching for when I saw her out on a double date with her ex and another couple of friends. I lost my cool and I went up and asked her what the hell was up, completely freaked out - although not yelling at her or anything like that. She was very patient and calm with me (as she had been all the way up to this point) and told me she knows it's hard, since I live alone and have so much on my plate right now. She encouraged me to go home and sleep. I went home, finished off the bottle of scotch I had started earlier, and promptly sent a half dozen accusatory and angry text messages. The next day we had a brief text spat, and she told me never to contact her again. I was devastated. Persona non grata - and of course it was all my own doing. Instead of being the calm cool collected adult in the room, I behaved like a selfish, needy little boy - and worse yet, like a freaking stalker.

Two days later she (still the compassionate, patient one after all that) texted and said she was sorry, she doesn't hate me, and that at some point after a good break away, she'd like to be friends if that's what I wanted. I said of course I wanted to be friends, and asked politely if I could send a brief letter, which I did a couple of days later. I actually felt ok about this. In the letter I made sure to call attention to my behavior, and specifically apologized for being so immature, and especially selfish. I told her I knew nothing would change and that I didn't expect it to, but that I wanted her to understand this whole pile of garbage is on me, that it's my fault, and that she's the one through all of this who's shown incredible maturity and calm.

Soooooo, THIS weekend, I was going to talk to a buddy of mine who works the door at a local bar (yes, subconsciously I think I was out looking for her), and I saw her and a date through the giant plate glass window of a nearby gallery. I'm positive they saw me. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't understand how she could be dating somebody when she told me that this is difficult for her too, and that this wasn't about dating other people. I couldn't accept the fact that I'm so completely and utterly unwanted. Rightly or wrongly I felt completely betrayed, like I was the butt of some kind of joke. Despite the very obvious fact that I'm the one that's been doing all of the contacting - I texted her and said "I don't think you should contact me ever again. I'm sorry." 30 minutes later, I got a message (I think from her roommate or maybe her brother) that said, "please don't contact Bethany again. She's uncomfortable and you're exacerbating the situation. It's unfair." So I replied that I didn't want to get into "what's fair" here, and consider it done.

Yes, I've deleted all of her contact info from my phone at this point. I've even blocked her number from my account so that I can't attempt to call or text.

God, I needed to get that out. Thanks.

I'm miserable, hurt, angry... and right now I'm completely full of more self-hatred than I've ever felt in my life. She's the only one here with a right to be upset. I'm such a needy, fearful little man it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm afraid of being abandoned and unloved, and yet I seem to keep writing the same story over and over. This time it's just that much worse because of proximity to this person. I let the dark recesses of my heart completely engulf my self and my (brief) relationship with a beautiful, kind and patient person. I became "that guy." A real creep.

To complicate matters, we run around in the same neighborhood in this town. She even works close enough to me that I can see her car from my apartment. Driving down my street this morning on my way to work, I saw one of her good friends out for a run. I know my just being alive and here right now is giving her anxiety and making her uncomfortable. I know she truly hates me.

I have no idea what to do at this point. Before you reply, I know the first thing I have to do is never contact her in any way shape or form ever again. I simply don't know what to do in general. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I know something is.

It's also killing me that I can't apologize. Not only because of the complete severance of communication, but because I've reacted this way after already apologizing once. Apologies are worthless if the behavior returns, in my opinion.

I've started seeing a psychologist again, though. I'm not sure if there are specific questions I need to ask about my recent behavior. I want to make sure all of my bases are covered if there's something really screwed up about me.

If anyone has any advice at all, I'll take it. Thanks for reading.