Ok, so I'm still using. I was so confident in myself, thinking I was going to be able to stop cold turkey and get my life back on track and live a clean and serene life and do all these great things with my life. Boy, was I ever wrong! I've let myself down once again and it really sucks.
I've let myself go so much since I've started using again. I didn't realize how much damage I've done until today, and I'm so sick and disgusted with myself for it. I've dropped the only two real friends I had for a bunch of drug addict friends who I party with on the weekends, I haven't seen my goddaughter in over 2 weeks (I never go more than a day without seeing her), I've quit putting makeup on when I leave the house, I've quit dressing up nice, I've quit being close to my mother and letting her in on my life, I've lost touch with my Higher Power, and my health is in miserable shape right now.
Everytime I use Ice, I start bleeding "down there". It kills my kidneys with pain and I bleed the whole time I'm using and if I go a day without using, the bleeding stops and the pain subsides. I used almost half an 8 (if you know how much that is) by myself yesterday evening and lastnight. There went the bleeding and kidney pain again. I wake up today and go to stand up and I pass out. Wake up on my bedroom floor with my mom smacking me lightly on the face. I've fainted two more times since then, that was around 2pm and it's 9pm now. I can't walk more than a few steps without getting dizzy and losing my breath and almost passing out. I know it is tied to my using dope somehow, just haven't figured out how it's tied to it yet. I only had about 3 good puffs of dope left in my pipe this evening and felt fine for a little while after I finished it off. Then when it started wearing off, my body got bad again. Mom says my lips look purple and I know my body feels like complete hell.
Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can I be so confident in not using, yet when it actually comes time to say no, I can't? Why am I slowly killing myself at 19 years old and a part of me doesn't really give a damn? I'm frickin' 19 years old and feel like I have the body of a 80 year old. I constantly stay sick now, I eat maybe once every couple of days, my body is constantly aching, not to mention everytime I use dope I bleed like a stuck hog. I don't want to die this way, I really don't. I don't want to end up like my sister, with HIV from using dope with other users. I don't want to end up like my brother, dieing in a loved ones arms from an overdose. I want to be different from them. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.
I'm sooo sick and tired of being sick and tired! I'm tired of waking up each morning fiending for my next hit. I'm tired of waking up, feeling like I have to have the dope in order to function each day. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a ghost, someone I don't even know anymore. I'm so sick and disgusted with myself for the ***** I'm putting my body and mind through and I'm tired of the ***** I'm doing to get my body and mind in this shape.
Have I not hit my rock bottom yet? How much further down can I possibly go? I've been raped, I've overdosed, I've sold myself for dope, now I'm killing myself for dope. When is enough really enough? No one understands that I REALLY do want to get clean. No one understands that I REALLY am trying. No one understands that somewhere along the way of this last relapse, I've completely lost myself and I'm not so sure I can find her this time.
Will I die a junkie? I hope not. When I die, will God understand and grant me eternity with Him in heaven? At this point, I'm afraid He wouldn't and that hurts so much.
... Why?