somthing good happens - then i do somthing bad (almost as if i have to do somthing bad cos i dont deserve the somthing good) - then i have a very strong almost irristable need to SI to punish myself - and once again im stuck in a loop.....

example....

i spoke to a friend for a long time and had a really nice chat (GOOD)

then i have a feeling like somthing bad is going to happen - maybe cos i dont deserve to have anythign good happen.....

I went out to get some shopping i needed - but overspent when i knew the money was for bills that are already overdue (BAD)

Maybe because somthing bad didint happen - i am maknng it happen to prove myself right? dunno ?

Then i get really anxious as to how on earth im gonna pay the bills when ive spent the money on crap stuff grrrrrr and angry at myself - and i want so badly to SI - to calm myself (yes i know that sounds nuts) and also to punsh myself and leave a mark to show how dumb i am so i wont do it again - BUT I ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
( The need to SI to punish myself )

WHY CANT I JUST STOP AND MOVE ON - LEARN AND MOVE ON ...... sighs....

and then i get sad... and all i want to do is hide away in bed and not come out forever.........

in the meantime i havnt cut but ive opened old wounds which means more scars and i hate scars ......... but they make me as ugly on the outside as i feel on the inside i guesss ....... dunno..... just tired of running in circles chasing my tail