(((phoenix7))) - I'm sorry you're running around in this circle of self sabotage. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't really have wise advise about how to stop it - maybe you can try not to judge yourself and recognize your triggers...think before you act kind of thing. What does your therapist say? It's a very well written post - describes how you're feeling exactly. I hope you feel better and don't hurt yourself...you're not bad!!