This is the first time I've ever written on a forum and the first time I've ever put down how I feel to anyone, but there is no one that I can currently turn to who will take me seriously and I don't want to feel alone anymore.

I'm only 23, but I've been very unhappy for a long time. I'm really quiet and some might say introverted, but I always try to be nice to everyone and smile no matter how I feel. The problem is that I'm starting to feel like a fake, like my feelings are inexpressed and trapped. The fake smiles are starting to destroy me.

I started a new job 4 months ago at a very small firm and I hate it so much. I just don't fit in and I know I have chosen completely the wrong career despite studying so hard for years to get the qualifications. The day before I go back to work, I feel sad, don't want to speak to anyone and normally cry. Last week, I had to leave my office and go into the toilet so no one would see me crying. The week before, I had an emotional outburst in front of my parents and I think now I have them worried.

My unhappiness is a mixture of past betrayals and my own inability to trust anyone, even my family. I feel like I've done nothing but cause them problems my whole life and I especially feel terrible for not sticking up for myself and leaving them to fix everything for me. Wanting to leave my job so soon makes me feel weak.

I thought I was doing better, but things have really gotten bad these past few months. Two weeks ago, I actually had a small pair of scissors in my hand wondering what it would be like to cut my arm and if anyone would notice. It scared me, it was the first time I'd ever thought that way before.

I'm so tired of being unhappy. I feel like I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do with my future and no one really understands or knows how I feel. If they knew, I think they would keep their distance. There are many things I love about my life, but I've never loved myself. I can't help hating what I've become and the way I've allowed myself to lose my ambition and isolate myself from the world and most of my former friends. Most of what has made me this way is probably my own fault. I don't want to be social, I just want to be left alone and I feel better when I am.

I suspect I've got undiagnosed depression, but will getting it treated help me feel better? I just can't stand feeling this way anymore, I certainly never want to have to hide in the toilet at work ever again. I'm also tired of trying to hide bouts of crying the next day with make-up, people are bound to have seen through it.