I see my new T again on Thursday. I don't even know how I feel about it. I've always been one to look forward to therapy but I don't really look forward to seeing her.

I find her to be so much more distant and professional than my old T. My old T was so warm and motherly. Even after the second session I felt this profound sense of connection to her. She and I had a lot in common and she just "got" me. The new T does not feel this way and I don't see myself being able to open up to her about my past. She is not a nurturing presence. She's nice and everything, but she doesn't seem maternal. And somehow, I think I need that maternal presence. Or do I? Maybe I need to stop looking for a mom in therapy, but that's what I've always found before. This time I didn't find a mom. I found.. a neutral party, an impartial listener. She really seems like a blank slate to me. Maybe in time I will catch glimmers of her humanity but right now she doesn't even seem real. Do you guys think it's possible to open up to a T who seems distant and uber-professional? Did any of your T's start out very professional and then loosen up a few sessions in?

I miss my old T sooooo so so so so much right now. Oh my God every time I remember her it's like a knife in my heart, it hurts so much not to be able to see her again. I try all the time not to think about it but sometimes it catches me in the middle of everything and it feels like my heart stops beating and if I am around others I have to try my best not to just burst into tears. Right now as I am writing this I realize how much emotion I still am having over this, it's overwhelming. I can't believe she's gone. I feel like I don't have an anchor in this world anymore. Now I am just adrift in the world, floating, nothing to hold onto, no place to call home, no one to trust. How the hell am I supposed to start over with this new T who is just made of stone? I need comfort so much right now, but nothing brings me comfort.

I quit my chorus today because I'm going to be moving away before their next show anyway, so what's the point of rehearsing with them and paying my dues.. I am too scared to tell them or explain. I can't ever go back.

I just really don't feel okay right now at all, I feel this horrible sucking awful desperation, and I want it to go away so very much. It is overwhelming and makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like this is NEVER going to go AWAY like I am always always for the rest of my life going to be swimming in this awfulness that is in my head and it isn't going to get better, grad school is not going to be a cure, there is no cure for my desperation, it's lasted my whole life no matter what situation I am in. I want to grasp at anything at all that will change this way that I am feeling. I feel pretty suicidal and I'm kind of scared. I don't think I will do it, I don't even know how I would do it anyway, but this hopelessness is crushing me and it feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. I wish someone could help me but no one can. Spiraling...