shezbut, I did the dbt group for year (twice through each module) and finished that a year ago. I'm currently attending a twice monthly second stage process group.

tree, I did exactly that, couldn't wait anymore so I called her and left a message. She called me back and we talked (she talked, I cried). Then I texted her a couple times tonight. I prefer not to text with T but my kids are here tonight and there's no way I can have a private conversation.

I totally spiraled out, cried and cried and cried. I'm feeling worn out and sad but a little calmer. My T is doing her best to be here for me now while being honest with me about the future. She said I'm starting the grieving process for losing her, and it's natural and understandable but I don't have to do it now. I didn't lose her yet.

I asked her if I'd be ready when we're done, and she said yes. I won't be done until I'm ready. And I'm not ready yet. But I'm getting there. And I know it's true. It just hurts.

And the thing is, I KNEW all of this. I think it was just a shock to my younger parts and I felt that deep, deep abandonment in a fresh new way. I'll be okay. As bad as I feel right now, and it's pretty bad, I know I'll feel better tomorrow or the next day. I know it won't last forever, that no feeling is final, and that I can survive without T. And that I don't have to survive without her right now.

Crap. Just a whole lot of big emotions and a ton of tears. All on a night when I'm seeing my kids for the first time in 2 weeks. Bad time for me to decide to open that Pandora's Box.

oh, I also told her that it's bringing up a lot of stuff related to my mom, the idea that I'm only loved (did I use that word, love? I can't remember. If I did it was the first time I've ever said that to my T and I hope it didn't freak her out. Wish I could remember) if I act the right way or say the right thing, and that it's so conditional, and that I just want someone in my life who stays. That nobody ever stays.