My Support Forums - View Single Post

dlifer · 10:28 PM

First thing: If I’m breaking some sort of board rule with these details, please let me know and give me a chance to edit them out. Ok, so a bit of background: I’ve had fairly severe depression, self-esteem, and social anxiety issues as far back as I can remember. There are some childhood things there I’d rather not get into, but I also don’t think these are wholly to blame for my condition.
My anxiety hasn’t stopped me from having a few friends who consider me somewhat social, even though I feel like a nervous wreck in most social situations. I can’t handle one-on-one situations at all, and have gotten good at avoiding them. I’m nearly 30, yet still a virgin. I kissed a single girl but only after being quite drunk, and it still wasn’t an easy thing to do (she initiated it). I’ve been told that I’m moderately attractive and girls have expressed interest—even been forward about it—throughout the years. So it’s not for lack of opportunity, I simply can’t handle it. Paradoxically, I do desperately want this type of relationship and it’s a major factor in my depression.
I barely graduated from high school. My parents and teachers thought I was bored, but it was really a complete lack of drive or care. I was extremely miserable all the way through both middle school and high school. After high school, I impulsively joined the military. My time in the service wasn’t great and I came close to sabotaging my own enlistment several times. The only thing that kept me going was the desire to maintain the illusion that I was normal to friends and family back home. I thought about suicide every week (at least) for over 15 years, did a lot of stuff -- yet never really wanted to go through with it.
Lately has been much, much worse. Keep in mind that despite all the things I’ve felt and done, people think I’m normal to a great degree. A few months ago, my guise started to crack. It began with tearing up with things like sad news, or a poem in my college English course. When people noticed, they would normally assume (I think) that I was sensitive or something. Not to imply that the emotions weren’t genuine, only uncontrolled. This snowballed into crying everywhere at everything, with the slightest provocation: if music is on the radio that isn’t particularly sad, but maybe the beat isn’t…upbeat enough. The word “sad” in and of itself will send me spiraling out of control. I can’t go into public place at all. I wanted to buy sauce from a local restaurant and made three attempts—on three different days—to enter the store and buy it. Each time I was forced to retreat. My last haircut ended with me shaking uncontrollably…not sure when I’ll be able to get the next one. The weird thing is, I have an easier time controlling these emotions by myself…at least, when it’s induced by music or something. In public, crying is coupled with what seems—to me—to resemble a panic attack. My heart races and I’ll start shaking and even physically lose balance as I try to fight off waves of anxiety and depression. It doesn’t, however, feel like I’m dying. It resembles what I imagine childbirth is like, with waves of pain punctuated by brief moments of semi-calm. By the end of such an attack I’m usually alone, shaking and crying uncontrollably, and utterly worn out. Even if it’s 2pm, I can sleep for 6 hours afterwards with ease. My suicidal thoughts have become much, much more serious and frequent…several times an hour even. I’ll leave it at that. The worst I have ever felt was one night when I couldn’t cry. I knew that crying would help release the awful, deadening feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I couldn’t even make myself do it. I’m not kidding when I say I would rather be on fire than experience that again.
Basically I’m paralyzed. I stopped going to class, failed out of school, and there is no way I can work. I literally cannot be around people without crying. I’ve tried numerous over-the-counter drugs (inc. alcohol) which help a ‘little’ at times, but can’t prevent it. My digestive system is completely messed up, which was a convenient excuse for avoiding social gatherings for awhile. I randomly moved out a state a few days ago with little money, no real plan, and no warning. It was completely driven by a mad panic on my part. I had originally planned to move into a homeless shelter and just disappear off the grid. Then I planned to move out state and kill myself away someplace where I could be alone. Then I decided that both moving unannounced and/or killing myself would ruin several lives not my own, so I settled on moving with some—albeit little—warning. They know where I am and I do intend to return when/if I can get a handle on this. They are quite worried about me---considering I left without saying goodbye in person to a single soul—although I have outright denied that anything is wrong with me.
I need help. The problem is, and I mean this: I absolutely do not want emotional support from anyone I know. It makes me feel weird, and I hate sympathy from people I know. I looked into getting help locally before I fled, but couldn’t find anything. I’ve made two attempts to see a psychologist on my own in the past 10 years. The first time was in the military and she literally called me a liar to a face thinking I was trying to get out of work or something--probably because I’m so matter-of-fact about it. I had a similar result from one at my university. The other psychologist at the university refused to provide any sort of support over the phone once I started really losing it and couldn’t come on campus. Now I don’t qualify for the campus doctors anyhow, not that it would matter considering I’m out of state at the moment. I also can’t afford both public treatment and a place to live, which eliminates my other options. I’ve considered homelessness and hoping for treatment; I’ve considered getting thrown into prison for treatment. I’m at a complete loss for what to do and where to turn for help. I almost certainly need some sort of medication in the short-term, at least before I can return home looking normal.
Are there options I haven’t considered here? Is there an organization—government or private—that can see individuals like me on short-notice? Are my problems normal for this sort of thing? Extreme? Does it sound similar to what any of you have gone through? If so, what has helped you so far?