I just wanted to let you know that I read your post. I'm very sorry that you're going through this right now. It's very difficult. I think the feeling that you are out of control and hurting people and it seems like you can't stop yourself is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially afterward. I think it is good that you started talking to a therapist, they should be able to help you work on these issues. I really don't have much advice for you right now. I do believe that she doesn't hate you. I think it would be safe to write her a letter to say you are sorry and never send it. That way you get your apology out on paper. Save it, shred it, do whatever you want with it. Perhaps the wind will carry your message to her, at least, that's always kind of how I feel when I write letters I know will never be sent.

Good luck. Feel free to come back and vent as much as you want. We're here for you!