Hello Maya, that is a pretty name!! I am new here too. I was stunned by your story!! Please do not hurt yourself!! I have just started seeing a therapist. Although it isn't "fun" I do think it will help in the long run. In looking around this site I see that there are a lot of people who have very bad depression; they sound very similar to you. Maybe you could give yourself a limitation re: work. For example, maybe you could say, I will work here for "x" many more months...while in the meantime you could begin to find out what you want and with a therapist he or she could help you cope while you look around. Good luck Maya