I've got a bit of a problem, if anyone as any advice. I've asked my dissertation supervisor to write me a letter of recommendation for my application to masters programs in creative writing. She said she'd be happy to do it, but she asked if she could have a look at the personal statement I'll be sending along with it because she only knows me in terms of my academics and doesn't know much about my creative writing. It'll give her something to build off of when she's writing my recommendation, which is fair enough.

The thing is, my personal statement is extremely ... personal. I talked about why I love to write and what my ambitions are, and the main reason I know I want to be a writer is that even at my darkest hour with depression, I was able to write beautiful things. To me, it's miraculous that someone who was incapable of seeing any beauty or goodness in her own life could still create. Depression stripped me of everything I loved, made it impossible for me to bear the weight of my own life, but when I wrote a little bit of that weight was lifted. Writing is the only thing I'm incapable of stopping and I think that especially since I've spent the last three and a half years studying something I wasn't passionate about, I owe it to myself to spend at least a couple of years actually exploring and nurturing my passion.

My supervisor doesn't know about my depression. None of my professors do. They are aware that I have a "medical condition" but not that it's related to my mental health. I am absolutely not ashamed of my depression -- if I were, I wouldn't be sending a statement that talks about it off to people who will be judging whether or not I'm suited for their program -- but for some reason I'm really nervous about this. Outside of this forum, my blog, and my counselor's office, I do not talk about my depression very often. I don't like to focus on it when it's not bothering me, and I don't like to complain when I know others are dealing with their own problems. Also, regardless of the fact that it's illegal to discriminate against anyone at this school on the basis of mental health, we all know it happens. I'm not saying that my professor would do that. She's a very kind, understanding person and she's taught me a lot in the past couple of years. But I have to meet with her every other week about my dissertation. She teaches two of my courses. She grades my papers and knows all the other members of the department. I don't want things to be awkward, or for her to feel like I've somehow been lying to her (which I feel like I have sometimes, whenever I'm absent and vague about the cause). The ridiculous thing is that the people on the selection committees of the programs I'm applying to will also be teaching me and grading my papers and somehow it doesn't hit me the same way, maybe because they're nameless and faceless to me right now, I don't know.

Anyway, I know that I want to keep the depression portion of my personal statement in for my applications. It's a big part of who I am, and although the depression no longer runs my life I have learned a lot about myself from it and I think that's important to talk about. I just don't know if I should leave it in for this particular prof, or what kind of impact it'll have on my working relationship with her. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.