Hello World. Pc. I wish I could leave more comments for you all... but, I also just have a lot to say. After being in therapy, I don't think anyone can ever tell me how I'm suppose to feel during it or if I'm supposed to quit...I feel like therapy is a lot more complicated then it comes across to people who have never done it before...
your dealing with..
1. how your therapist views you
2. how you view yourself
3. your baggage and problems
that's why I would only discuss therapy with those who have done it, I think.
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Point Blank: I plopped down at my computer and had an epiphany:
...My life is OKAY. now. it is. Things aren't perfect but, I'm healthy now, I live in a safe environment, I'm about to leave for school--move out of my house,.and I'm dating a new guy.
So, WHY...WHY am I in therapy?
because, I guess I still have deep rooted issues, that involve me being violated...But, the epiphany is actually...
that the ONLY thing that is actually bothering me now besides that violation, is THERAPY? IRONIC...after 10 months of discussing my problems, the only problem I have left is therapy in itself...I just sat down and thought to myself, I would actually be pretty content right now if I wasn't in therapy. Yes, I'd still have problems but, they'd mean a lot less because I could deal with them when I want too and not analyze them so much...it'd be different, they'd seem a lot less important if I wasn't in therapy. I tended to show only the negative sides of who I am. I whine a lot in therapy, I say the things that everyday people in my life probably wouldn't hear...and although, therapists tell you to "come as you are"..."be you..." that often feels like it backfires...because well, because, I'm being me, I'm doing me, and my therapist probably isn't so well pleased with that...so then why ask me to be it??? I don't get it.

After having more then one breakdown and having suicidal thoughts (which I did not open up to my T about...) I ended up being 30 minutes late for an hour appointment....an appointment I waited 2 weeks for. Needless to say, I was pissed cuz it usually takes at least the first 15 minutes, for me to open up in the first place and I wasn't about to open up, just to be shoved out the door super fast. I had pushed through so much pain over the past 2 weeks & I was proud of myself for it and woke up happy about it because, I not only NEEDED, but actually felt I somewhat deserved this time with my T, for being strong and waiting for it. And after all of that it was about to be cut short...which, I called her to tell her I was running late and I cried over the phone. She actually laughed while I was crying but, I think she laughed because she may have felt awkward that I was crying or that I was being too sensitive about the whole thing...honestly, she probably laughed because "she just didn't get it"...why would I cry about running late, you know? But, I thought therapists were suppose to be talented at seeing the ENTIRE situation...at being able to see that maybe there is more to my tears then she realizes. guess not!

but, she really can't see what I go through and what I had been through, just to push towards that session...it was a lot and I had an unpleasant session because I get angry after sitting in traffic, wasting time, money--cuz I have to pay for therapy out of my own pocket, and gas. I apologized for being a "brat" after it was over but, I wasn't necessarily trying to attack her, I was just angry inside, it wasn't directed at her just in general. On average its suppose to take me 30 minutes to get there, it took me 50...so all in all, including the way back home, I wasted money and time and gas...overall, I'd say I spent over an hour and 10 minutes just driving. So, I could not maintain my composure in my session today, since I was so frustrated about it and honestly, I feel like my therapist lost respect for me long before today...like, if your with a therapist long enough, you begin to pick up on the small things they do, and I know shes trying to be empathetic and warm but, I'm sensitive and intuitive, I can tell when she is kinda thinking negatively about me and just holding back...she even said it once in session today, I asked her a question, she spent 5 minutes sugarcoating everything and then after she noticed I wasn't buying it, and didn't want to hear it...she blurted out.."well, do you want me to be honest?" and then she continued talking...this proved what I thought to be true...if shes asking me if I want her to be honest, then obviously she isn't being honest with me 100% of the time---I mean obviously, RIGHT?? If you have to ask me if I want you to be honest with me. ...so, its just frustrating.

I am trying to remember when I used to deal with my problems ON MY OWN. It was much easier because you didn't have anyone analyzing life with you, it was just you and only you...so it makes me think, why stay in therapy any longer, cuz I thought about what I would feel right now if I quit and I'd be stressed, undoubtedly I would but, I wouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed..so why stay? There is a huge difference btwn being stressed and being overwhelmed...therapy overwhelms me right now, life doesn't...you know whats crazy, after 10 months, she said she thinks I'm just at the beginning of processing all the emotions of the issues I've discussed...so although, I want to quit, I was actually thinking the same thing before she said it, although I cry in every session for the past 10 months, and have talked about so much, it does feel like I spent a lot of time feeling the emotion and now its time to actually deal with it. if that makes sense? ..like examine it but, I want to go back to the time when I dealt with my problems on my own. And honestly, I get one of two specific feelings while I'm in therapy.

A. shes saying she cares because she actually does care.
B. shes saying she cares because its her job to just say that.
so either I'm left feeling amazing.
or I'm left feeling really hurt.