Of all the thread I guess this is the best one to post this. I suspect I was abused in some way from ages 2-5? The biggest clue is the triggers I have through music. I always had a stereo around so I have about 60 songs that make me feel awful in different ways when I hear them. I have tried hypnotherapy, but it didnt work. I couldnt go under. I thought it was the answer.
I have been a masochist since I stated suspecting someone hurt me as a kid. I started at 15 writing stories about a girl who was kidnapped by men and held as a slave. Since then, it has been a pattern..an obsession. Before I sleep now, every morning, I fantasize that I am being held captive by a man and he gives me drugs through a needle in my arm. The medication I take to sleep is really the effects of his drug(in my fantasy). I know this is not normal and wonder WHY I am like this. I am also obsessed with drugs like heroin and painkillers in general. I dont take street drugs. I know if I had access to painkillers Id have a problem on my hands..addiction. The thing is these everyday fantasies are comforting! Part of it I guess is being taken care of(besides being beaten up, I am fed and loved too!). I have to clarify I do NOT condone actual rape, slavery that is unconsensual, kidnapping and domestic abuse. It upsets me and I dont really feel like they are lucky but want to save them and punish the bastard who does it. No its just something I inflict on myself..in my head. And I feel liek I am the only one.
I cant remember what happened to me and Im 38 now. But I have some odd effects.