I'm going through a lot, but don't have the time to post everything I'd like to (plus, it's better off split off into respective forums, and I'm still limited to three posts a day, so I have to put everything in no more than that), so I'm just going to post a short message to get out some of my thoughts.

My life is nowhere close to where I want it to be, and I'm well past the age I wanted to be when I achieved certain things. In fact, my age now restricts my ability to achieve some of the things I want to. I'm stuck in a bad situation.

For one thing, I have a boyfriend who sometimes is helpful and understanding, but much of the time, he is not. He doesn't hold me or kiss me and we haven't had sex in over six years. There are issues with sex for me--vaginal pain--but I'll get more into that in a future post. But I still want to be wanted. Nevertheless, he isn't who I want to be with, and he doesn't want to be with me, because we have different goals in life, and he, understandably, doesn't want to live with my OCD and panic disorder.

I have dreams I haven't achieved, and I feel like such a loser. I've let so many things pass me by, I've made mistakes, and I haven't been strong. Some things weren't my fault, but some things were. I still want to make those dreams come true as much as possible, but I can't figure out how.

I need money to get out of here, and can't make money because I can't work. Plus, I'm not qualified or educated to work in a job that pays enough to get me out of here in time to achieve my dreams. I also don't have transportation for a job. My boyfriend is my only transportation, and he's tired after work, so I rarely get out. I want to get out this week, because I haven't been out for a couple of weeks or so, except for grocery shopping, but he says it's a "crazy week." Plus, Friday, he'll be going away for Thanksgiving for about 10 days, and I'll be stuck here, taking care of his bird. Don't get me wrong--I'm invited, and I love his bird. But my OCD won't let me go, plus my mom is down this way, and she wants me close.

Which brings me to another problem. My mom, I love her, but she is emotionally like a child in many ways, and doesn't understand a lot of things intellectually. She wouldn't like it if I moved to California to pursue my dreams. When I mentioned the possibility that I was going to CA a few years ago (when my boyfriend thought he might have to move there for work--I was so excited, but it didn't happen), she said, "That would be awfully far from Mom." I thought my sister was supportive of me, but I found out then that she isn't. Everyone expects me to be happy with what will make them happy. But I'm my own person and can't be happy with what will please others. I'm filled with so much guilt.

I've missed out on so much. I feel so miserable. I cry a lot. But crying itself is stress-inducing, because I suffer from dry eye, and crying causes my eyes to act up. I have conjunctivitis from the dry eye--and yes, I've tried all sorts of eye drops, which can make it worse in the long run and are expensive--and besides all the other problems I have with sleep, the dry eyes bothering me can make it difficult to get to sleep.

I'm obese, so there's issues with that. I especially love sugary things.

I want to get out and be free, and date, and have a happy life. I'm so tired of all this crap. When I cry, I have no one to hold me or anything. I feel like a burden to everyone. In fact, I know I am, because I told my boyfriend my feelings years ago, and he admitted I can be a burden. He knows I don't mean to be, and he knows how hard life is for me, but he was just being honest.

Before anyone asks, yes, I have a med-shrink. I did have a talk-shrink, but I had trouble keeping appointments, and he wasn't helping, anyway. I've been in therapy of one form or another (including hypnosis) for about 27 years. I've been on meds of one or another or a combination for that long, too. I'm getting off them. I've already posted about that a little bit in the drug forum.

Well, I'll leave it at this. I'll tell you more when I'm able.