You do need some support and help. Hopefully this forum will be able to give you some help or advice. I would suggest that you find a regular doctor & go to him/her telling them of your feelings and thoughts. He may prescribe some medicines to help with your extreme thoughts about killing yourself and not wanting external support. Also he/she may be able to refer you to places in your area which offer help/support for little or no cost. There are such places in local towns & a doctor could give you referals-Pdr. or outreach groups. Don't give up and please stay in this forum.