Too much.

Too much.



When will all of this be over? I tried emailing my therapist to tell her how low I feel at the moment but I can't seem to find any correct words. I keep writing and re-writing it and I give up now. She always says I can email her but I find it really hard to do so because everything I write is too shameful and too exposing. I can't tell her how bad it is because i'm embarrassed. She'll just think i'm being over dramatic and maybe she'll want to cut me up too in her mind because she'll be so angry at me. I feel so self indulgent and pathetic that I want to hurt myself ....so I can only imagine how it sounds to other people! ....No wonder 'they' (her/therapist) likely wants to cut me too!!

Pretty paranoid. I can't explain properly because it is too shameful and... if it is true .... well yeh. Bad.

I am a waste of space, i shouldn't even be writing here...but I even hate admitting i'm a waste of space when I continue to be alive because really, if I'm going to keep breathing, I need to stop being so self absorbed and get all of this into perspective. I have a pretty damn decent life, and I need to start being whole instead of sapping the life force from the world.

I keep crying all the time. I'm a bit worried about the extent I'll have to go to tomorrow to get through work. In all honesty I really should not go into work but I don't have the energy to ring up and tell them I'm sick...it's easier to go to work and cut my way through it than have to endure a uncontrolled conversation with a manager. Plus if I continue to whallow I'll just get more low....i should 'fake it till i make it' or whatever that motto is....and if that doesn't work or is getting too damn hard, i'm going to cut. I've tried not to and I realise I'm a pathetic fool for giving up at the first hurdle but you know what? Surprise, surprise I am a complete and utter fool!! I should not have even been given existance...I was a complete mistake.