What drives me to drink? I know if I drink enough it will change how I'm feeling in the moment, and sometimes that is all I can think. That I don't care what it is, if it will change how I feel, if I can feel anything at all besides THIS (whatever it is), then I don't care about the consequences. I need some relief.

For me self-injury is just another form of self-mediating. It achieves the same goal, changing how I feel.

BUT, I know that escaping emotions that way may be effective in the here and now but in the long run it is counterproductive. Emotions that "go away" because of escaping like that just come back bigger and badder and stronger than ever. I know that if I let myself feel it, whatever it is, and don't push it away then it will go away on it's own eventually and not come back.

So, I have learned that, and I know it is true. But sometimes, like last night, I don't CARE about all that, I just want to feel different. How often I self-medicate varies, a lot. Most of the time I can't afford to drink. I also worry about becoming an alcoholic because my mother is one, and my brother too. So I will usually go on little drinking binges, where I drink every day for a week or two, and then I will feel like I have to prove to myself that I'm not an alcoholic, so I stop for weeks or months at a time.

self-medicating with drugs is another story, because I use meds that are prescribed for me. I don't not take them. It's a gray area as to whether I am taking them to escape emotions or because I have a legitimate need to take them. It's sort of a perennial debate in my head: if I take a drug that makes me feel better (antidepressants, etc), do I REALLY feel better or is it the drug? If it's the drug, is that okay, or not?