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zooropa · Nov 18, 2010, 11:33 PM

I wrote this email to T just now. I haven't sent it. I cried the whole time I was writing it.

Quote:

Hey
First of all, I want to say thanks for remembering to call me. I was kind of worried you would forget, because I know you’re busy, and if you didn’t call then I would have been upset and I just don’t feel like I can handle another big emotional thing right now. So thank you.

Secondly, I want to tell you how I feel about the idea of being done with therapy. This has been on my mind constantly. Unsurprisingly, it has hit my abandonment triggers really, really hard. I know I asked you on the phone if I would be ready when we do it, and you said yes, I will be ready. I’m just really, really scared that it will happen and I WON’T be ready. I know that’s because I’m not ready now.

I don’t know exactly what I need from you right now in terms of a response, T. I mean, part of me wants you to say that I don’t have to stop coming until *I* decide I’m ready. And I don’t think that’s the answer I’m going to get. I know I am a lot better than I was when I met you. I know I have learned and grown so much. But I also know that I feel like I have so much work left to do.

Was telling you the story, one time over the course of a year, supposed to be some sort of cure? I still have nightmares and flashbacks. I am still afraid. I still can’t talk about it without freaking out, inside and sometimes outside. How can I move from where I am to a place of accepting that it happened and being able to talk about it without going away in my head?

I guess I’m worried that I seem stronger than I am. I know my insides don’t always match my outsides. You said recently that you think I’m stronger than I think I am. And I understand your goal of pushing me to change. But who is the best judge of how strong I am, you or me?

Can we do something to somehow fix this huge abandonment thing I have? I hate it. I have learned in therapy to recognize that I have abandonment issues, and to know when they are triggered. But I haven’t learned how to deal with that, how to not let it completely spin me out.

So, those are 2 pretty big questions. The other one on my mind tonight is one I asked you the other day. I am asking again because I don’t know that I am brave enough to ask it in person, but I need to know. Are we going to talk about other trauma?

You told me that DBT isn’t a lifelong therapy, and I am aware of that. But does it have to end now, or soon? Can’t it end later, when the thought of it doesn’t send me into a complete emotional tailspin?

This just has me so torn up. I can’t quit crying. I know I’m emotionally vulnerable because of all the other stuff going on in my life, with the kids and school and the night class which is turning into a huge trigger for me. But I need some peace about this issue of therapy ending. It is on my mind constantly. I can’t do school work or be with my friends or do anything much really, because I feel like this is hanging over my head and it is making me so sad.

I don’t expect you to tell me I can keep seeing you forever (ok, part of me would be so happy to hear that, but I really don’t expect it. That part is the little girl in me who feels so abandoned by her mom and just wants someone safe to love her.) I just wish you would tell me that we will be done when we both decide we are done.

I’m trying really hard to deal with this. I keep telling myself to be in the here and now. That I still have you in my life NOW and that’s what matters. I’m trying REALLY HARD to do that. But I feel so scared of the future. Just writing this email is making me cry. I’ve been talking to people about this all week, and trying to find some comfort somewhere, something that will make me feel okay. But I really just need to hear it from you. And I know I won’t be brave enough to say all this face to face. It really, really, really hurts.