she totally went off... said the whole med thing is HER fault because she made the PNP take me when she didn't want to, but T twisted her arm. "SO put your anger on ME! You put it on everyone but ME!!! Come in here and RAGE EVERY DAY AT ME if you want, but I'll not spend another minute about the PNP!!!" freaked me the hell out. :'( cried and cried and cried
@_@ all through session, all afternoon and far into the night.

the session ended with me crying like i did monday night (from group where i was mad at the PNP and not being allowed to talk about it), her saying we had to stop and "if i were a better person i'd stay with you until you felt better but there are people waiting for me - like you waited for me"
ok wtf; where are all these assumptions coming from??
she said i could come back at 8pm if i wanted. all i wanted to do was run far far away from her. I'm confused. hurt. freaked out. mad that she went off on this tirade, scared. i wrote her a long email. she called me last night... I can't remember all that she said, but the one line I will always remember is "what is is you want from me?"
OMG!!!! I want you to be normal! the normal T i thought i knew!!!!! :'(
told her i was cancelling being at a saturday workshop she is co-leading, but she wants me to come anyway to "connect with others" and said something about my having a better image of her. ???? why is this about her??? I'm so confused.
it was awful. i felt sickened sorta by the whole thing.
i'm "trying to take nothing personally" but this one is hard. hate it when the rug under our feet gets yanked out. she'd said i could go to another clinic. I thought what she was saying was that she wanted me to leave... she said i was hearing thru my own lens.
wtf
It's my own lens to be panicked and hurt when she is emotionally freaking out on me about her guilt and blame and how everything's her fault and saying in a raised voice, "I'M THE ONE THAT HURT YOU, i caused the PNP to get the grievance that she now has against her forever. I feel like I should put a poster over my desk saying IT WAS ME!"
i mean holy s***

@_@ who IS this person???? i wanted to yell stop being a maryter!!!!
* sigh * keep your emotional bags packed, kiyam and ready to move on....