Thank you so much for all your kind words. What you've all had to say has really comforted me - I've never met anyone who understood what I was going through before.

I've been thinking a lot this week and have realised that I cannot go on this way. If I sit and do nothing, then I'm going to end up, as wontgiveup said, in a very lonely place.

I have made a vow to never harm myself and I am determined to keep to it no matter what it takes. I never want to look at myself in ten years time and find scars that remind me of bad memories. Thinking about the impact it will have on my life in the future, as well as the pain it will cause those around me, has helped me reject it.

sophiacomose, like you suggested, I decided to continue working until my birthday in May next year. I think telling myself that it is temporary might help and also that I don't have to stay. The colleges start recruiting in June, so I am hoping that I might have a few options, even if it comes down to retraining.

I'm trying to collect all of my courage and go to the doctor. I really want to feel better, so I have to make that appointment. pete2682, I'm relieved that I'm not alone, so thank you for posting. I really have problems when I meet new people, it can take me years to get comfortable around them and it's even worse when they've all known one another for ages. I feel like there's a wall between me and them and it hurts me when they say things like 'oh, I didn't know you were in' or 'I didnt even see you there'. The first time, I can take it as a joke, but when you hear it almost every week, it isn't so easy to take.

I feel that while I'm here, I need to share something that happened at my work during the 3rd week between myself and my boss. It's been bothering me for sometime and I haven't told anyone (I'm a classic bottler of problems, but I never used to be).

My boss came into my office, sat down and asked to talk to me, which put me on edge right away, but all she wanted to know was if I wanted to start coming full time. I told her I wasn't certain and that I was thinking of a new career (and stupidly started crying). She then attempted to offer me a piece of 'advice' for any future interviews that I might attend, saying that she almost didn't hire me because I looked ill. She thought I might have some form of parkinsons. She claimed my hands were shaky...and this really hurt me, because I was just really nervous. Since that day, I've been very uncomfortable around her and now I keep looking at my hands. It's destroyed my trust in her, if there was any to begin with.

I really need to get out of that place. I was doing better before I started working there. I'm going to keep looking for another job, but that's easier said than done in today's climate. Thank you for all your wishes and support, I hope I can feel better soon.