i posted this in the "new member introductions", but perhaps this wasn't the best first impression. Something about my late night melancholy (understatement of the year) bred free-flowing.... whatever this is. Anyway, I'm reposting it here in hopes that perhaps someone will relate.

i hate internet forums. They lack the tangibility of real life relationships. Yet, here I am, on bulletin board, overwhelmed with information on a subject I know so well, yet barely know at all.

I'm 27 years old, and it's been six years since i was diagnosed with bipolar II (or is that "as" bipolar II?). In that time, there have been therapists, medications, books, prayers, internet resources, and pretty supportive friends. And it seemed like everything was under control. So under control, that I knew how to cope and was doing fantastic without meds. God is truly good (and I mean that).

Yet, here I am. Not dealing so well with a depressive cycle even though the circumstances of my life are so blessed (and knowing that I am not justified in feeling so sad just perpetuates the despair). Wondering what I'm doing to the friends who have been so supportive and how not to hurt them or push them away. Trying to decide if therapy is even worth it- because it's certainly not going to cure the problem. Attempting to figure out where the disorder ends and I begin, and untangle the mess that is my brain, my soul, and my chemical imbalance. Never wanting to be on meds again, with their side effects robbing me of myself. Afraid my creativity depends on my messed-up brain. Struggling to keep up with responsibilities while appearing "normal" and questioning my ability to be successful with a lifetime of highs and lows. Suspecting that i am incapable of falling in love and having a family without destroying their lives, too. Wishing I knew someone who's walked ahead of me on this road, instead of trying to navigate it alone and without a map. Grasping at hope and only seeing a future full of the same issues- the futility of such a cycle.

The unanswered questions and depressing realizations seem infinite. Perhaps what I was really seeking when i stumbled upon this forum was just another voice, to not be alone (really, five posts before allowed in the chat room?). Or maybe assurance that i'm not crazy... or that crazy is still ok.

i have people that love me, and i would never discount how precious they are. But someone who understands..... that's something that seems so far from reality.