Quote:
Originally Posted by dinosaurs
yeah so ive been trying to look at t for like ages now and get nowhere with it and was gonna ditch him but that was like doing a runner. so its been kinda hard to go see him and talk to him and stuff. but i guess im doing that. and anyway he like said this stuff last time and it was like absolutely exactly 100% right and i kinda wanted to put it here but not really sure why. dont know what anyone could say about it. he says like im spose to email him more and stuff but i dont know. i dont really like talking to people. this is the stuff he said. he wrote it down so id remember it.
the problem you have is that you believe if "you" have any real relationship with another person you will "die". the reason you say/believe you can't get better is because you believe if you get better ie have a real relationship with people, you will "die". you avoid "death" by not engaging with people. you "get by" out in the world by only interacting with people through an outer shell and not letting them experience the real you. the reason we have been doing the looking exercise is because one of the ways you keep you "away" here is by not looking at me. its not important in the grand scheme of life that you look at ME its a vehicle for getting you to allow the real you in the room.
and i know hes right and stuff and i know the dying stuff is like cause its all like my identity so if i had a relationship then itd be like id ceased to exist and someone else was there. and if you cease to exist thats kinda like dying i guess. so i know everything he said is right but its like its just so huge and so much a part of me. i cant imagine it not being like that. i dont know what i feel. like some kind of awful and its like even thinking about this stuff will lead to "death" i just dont know how to be sit with that. sometimes i dream about just walking in there and being able to look at him and i get all determined to do that cause its just dumb to not look really. but it like never happens.
|
Sorta OCD-ish? So am I with some things.
The good news is that I don't think your going to die by having relationships with people. If that was true then I would have kicked the bucket a long time ago (I'm not Harry Potter, I have no magical powers
) . I know what you mean about being scared to share stuff with a T who you don't really know if he understands you or can help you.
You know, sometimes I have a problem with eye contact with my T, and it really has nothing to do with my T but rather that I'm actually sort of a shy guy when it comes to emotions and expressing my own needs/feelings. I'm totally cool with them in someone else, but I have a double standard against myself that PC actually helps me break out of
I think that's normal and I just work on it a little at a time. My T is accepting of it but challenges me on it in his own way too, just like yours does. He's trying to break you out of your shell. That's a good thing as long as you have trust between each other or can work on that trust.
Weird... before your post today, I never thought of my T as conducting an "exercise" with me, but I can totally see how he has been doing that all along. Makes me wonder what other "clandestine" missions my T is undertaking on my behalf
. Really both you and I should be lucky we have T's who care enough to engage us in this sort of work so that we can be more successful in the multi-facets of our lives. Difficult, as it may be...