Last thing I said to T as I walked out yesterday was that it was ok, I think shes safe this wkend and there won't be any emails, but this morning I feel like I'm going "back" into that place again that was triggered this week, and am confused between whether its memorys of my mother or if its how T is feeling now because of all this.

I keep feeling as if something between us has changed, that in fantasy I always felt I was the one client she loved being with, now its oppersite fantasy is playing, that she is withdrawing herself, and I keep thinking she was sitting back further in her chair yesterday, but then I hear T;s vocie saying, "thats about your mother", then I remember the time my birth brother came up to me and said you know mum loves me better? Of course we were both adopted, both fighting for our own survival with an adoptive mother that needed to be loved, and I believed him, I believed that it was something about me that brought that choosing about, that I had this much power over her, is this what is now playing out with T? I'm sure in my rational mind I know T isn't swayed in how she thinks or feels by other peoples actions, but thats just how I was raised, my adoptive mother would alwasy say "its your fault" I became responsible for her wellbeing, it became my career so to speak, and in the end Ifelt I got that job wrong more times then enought, so its hard for me now to understand a rational adult doesn't blame other for their choices.

I will try to sit with all this uncertainty and confusion this wkend till I see T on monday, but not sure I can its intruding in my mind to much, the confusion, and anyways I believe it so much now, I think their is little T could say to change this doubt and anxiety, I seem to be able to twist anything good she says and make it what I need to make it, I seem to be wanting to resolve all these old issues of rejection and wont rest until they are and I dont think email is the best way right now (she says half heartedly)