Thank you for your continued support. I have just had my weekly therapy session and we were discussing some of the points that my discussions with you have raised.
The difficulty talking out loud about my thoughts or expressing my needs prob stems from childhood where I had to grow up fast and be a "mini adult". I feel I had to "keep my own counsel" and look after myself and care for my family. I feel I am having to learn now how to express my thoughts and needs- I feel like kid learning a new skill. And I find I am not coping well when I do ask for help and it gets misunderstood or misconstrued and it kind of reinforces why it's better to just not bother to ask for help cos you'll only upset someone or be a nuisance.
Then my therapist and I spoke of my suicidal thoughts. I said i had been looking at my calendar to identify the next opportunity. She made a throwaway comment that my setting a date in my head had become a "habit". That was the word she used. I am struggling to describe to myself what it feels like to have it described in that way. I'm quite cross to have it described as a habit. I have set several dates but never done more than cut or take a mini overdose and that has been to act as a sort of valve so i didnt go through with more. But that has been because I have fought the feelings, the urges, not just "changed my mind". It has taken so much strength and self control on each occasion and she knows this cos I have told her. There seems to be this feeling in my cmht that I won't actually go through with it as i have never actually, properly attempted suicide before and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I believe it's merely a matter of time - that I will not have the strength one day to fight the urges. But maybe they are right - I won't do it, it's a habit. But you know I feel a bit hurt. I feel a bit invalidated, like she doesn't take me seriously. Surely nobody messes around with such thoughts? When I think of the knots I tie myself in with the ambivalent, conflicting thoughts, the sense of guilt and shame to be even thinking such evil thoughts.........and it's a habit........ Is that a good thing that it's a habit? Does it make it a lesser thing? I don't know now, I've got confused...........
Why did she say it's a habit? It's the only answer I see to ease this pain, to stop this nightmare that is ironically called my life...........