I feel I'm trying to work so many things through right now. I feel sad about T and how I was last week, I feel I've hurt her in some way, but she said its me that I hurt, its me that was falling to pieces, unyet I felt as if she were sad too yesterday,she said that she felt like nothing she said was helping me, then she talked about the "good enought" mother, but I wanted then to tell her that everything she said helped that to me she is the perfect mother (I know, I know that will be a trigger for some), I wish I had said this to her yesterday, but I felt after my aggression this week she'd feel like a battered woman where promises of never again are given and I kept my mouth shut.

Perhaps this is all part of the same transference I have got going on right now? I hate that this happened, I guess I wish I could remain all lovey dovey, that eternal bliss, but thats not possible, I guess my past experience is that when things went bad growing up, they remained bad, they never recovered, there was never any resolution, just another round of bruises to be added to the last, metaphorically speaking.

But as intense as my anger feels to express at T, so does my love. sigh, lots of discomfort, I also feel as if I am having to let go of something, something is dying off. I have a couple of long time friends that I have been distant from lately, I feel as if I'm letting go of many things right now, its like a reorganizing of all my past believes, and some a good to let go off, but ones that I built to create a sense of safety in the world, ie giving power to others that I felt could "protect" me, is a difficult one to let go, I keep thinking I'm not enought for myself, how can I be all these things to myself? with this comes the fear that if T is growing away, perhaps in the normal way that happens eventually between a child as they grow and the parent, it maybe to soon, I dont feel ready! unyet perhaps its me that is doing the pushing with the aggression? Perhaps I am ready and things are just as they "should" be? Oh sorry I feel I'm rambling.

But you know that feeilng when change is going on and everything seems upside down.