It is a confusing place to be in & it seems to me that is follows in our shadows throughout our lives. I always wanted to be thin but healthy.....when I was working I didn't have to worry about my weight because I was playing racquettball everyday at lunch with the guys & that kept me sooooo healthy.

It wasn't until I went out of work on disability for anxiety, later depression, & they put me onto several antidepressants that I just couldn't eat. The nausea was so horrible & the suicidal thoughts were on my mind. I had lost so much weight I was a walking skeleton & kept trying to ride my horses & do the dressage shows. No one even thought about my weight until I was 20 lbs under my minimum for my height. Then they decided that I needed help which I really didn't want. I basically quit eating with thoughts in my mind that if I did die, it wouldn't be suicide & wouldn't effect my daughter as bad. When I would eat, then out came the laxatives cause I just couldn't get myself to throw up....still can't. For over a year after the initial treatment I would pass out & end up in the medical hospital with a central line & IV nutrition almost monthly. To be honest, I don't really know how that time of my life cleared up until last year again. There were many parts of the definiting of anorexia that I didn't match either.....so not sure if EDNOS was the DX or not...but mostly called anorexia.

This last year, I was under a massive amount of stress with my Mother dying of cancer & the trauma I went through with the ID theft that the home care RN pulled on her along with the threats & having the police called on me to accuse me of abusing my mother when it was the RN. The stress & fear & exhaustion was more than my body could handle & again, I couldn't get food down for the nausea. Because I just hate to throw up, I just wouldn't eat to avoid getting sick.....I only ended up 10 lbs under my minimum this time but was so anemic & the mal nutrition was so bad, I was again medically hospitalized for central line IV nutrition treatment. This time, no one could figure out what kind of professional help I needed. My pdoc told me that I needed to be in a place where I could get therapy & where I could get the medical help immediately when it was needed. Unfortunately, I didn't fit into any place because I didn't meet the body image issues that they focus on.

Treatment for eating disorders is complicated because in involves so much in our lives. That is why professional help is very important however what I have found is that I have been the one that has to put the issues into perspective....which is also hard to do because thinking is hard when you don't have enough nutrition for your bodies energy.

I am trying to find my body weight where I am satisfied with how I look & the weight where I am safe around my horses, caring for them, riding them, & training for my dressage shows & not passing out all the time. But I still find that when I feel that I have overeaten, out come the laxatives again & a couple of days of not eating or just barely eating. For me, besides being a reaction to a med, or stress, or exhaustion, it seems like my mind has a feeling that I need to be in control of something when everything else seems out of control.

These are the issues that professional can help with & it is also good to have someone keeping an honest check on your weight & making sure that you aren't physically anemic.

I hope you can find some good professionals to give you the support & therapy that can help you at least come to a place where you are ok with yourself.
Debbie