Hi Minky and welcome to the forum. I think you will find a great group of people here that do care and are so very supportive, so please feel free to post and reply as often as you like.

I think it is always hard to tell another exactly how you feel. Sometimes, it can even be difficult to understand what you're going through without even trying to explain to someone else. And you ask yourself all these questions - sometimes more questions than answers.

And I'm glad you came and posted. In doing that you have taken a very important first step. There may very well be several first steps to take, for example, to admit you have a problem, and then another in coming here and posting.

I think many people deal with depression secretly, but I am sure it is healithier for one to share their pain with people that care, and you will find we do care. I think by doing that it is eaiser to see we are not going through this by ourselves, plus we can gain from experiences others have had.

And I know it is almost instinctive to perhaps question if you will get anything helpful online from a group of people you don't know and have never met, but I can tell you this ... there are no pressures on us to tell you what you want to hear, and therefore whatever we do tell you is honest and comes from the heart.

I think it is a great think to admit what you think (another 1st step), because once you do that, you are able to move on to the next step and do something about it.

And it's easy to be down on yourself when depressed and harder still to believe others when they pay you compliments, but one rule of thumb will always hold true for you, and that is, if several people tell you good things about yourself, then there has to be some truth about it.

It is so easy to not like one's self when depressed, and to lose focus on what the real problem is. It's like a big hole that you've fallen in and all the weight holds you back and makes it impossible to get out of that hole. Funny thing about that hole - when you first stepped into it, it didn't seem that big until suddenly, it was so deep it was impossible to get out of it. Or at least, that is how it was for me.

The very important thing here is to realize the thing that is to be hated here is not you, but the depression. I hope you're able to channel those bad feelings from you to the illness. The illness, the depression, that is what is bad here - not you.

Love is, or can be a very ugly beast. In a perfect world, those we loved would love us back the same way we love them, but, we don't live in a perfect world and I guess we all have been rejected by someone at sometime or another. I know I have.

It is quite possible that now is not a good time to be in a serious relationship anyway. I'm thinking you are the most important thing in your universe (and that is how it should be), so maybe now would be a good time for you to try and take care of you first and love, marriage and family will follow. Of that I am sure, for I read you to be a nice person and very intelligent (hey, if there's one thing I'm good at, it is reading people - even from posts) and there are more fish in the sea so to speak than that one guy who just isn't smart enough to realize what he lost.

By your coming here and posting you are showing you are working forward (not backward) to be a happier person. I sure hope it works out for you and if there is anything I can do to help, to talk, email, or post and reply here - I will do my very best.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."