Oh FML, I don't have friends who will go with me right now, which sucks. I have so few friends since I struggle to let people into my life. Besides I actually think it would be worse if a friend went with me for some reason. I have no idea why. But maybe I will be able to convince myself to go.

Part of the fear is that somehow my yoga pant leg will fall down and show my SI scars. This is actually a silly fear because a couple weeks ago I went out and specifically bought yoga pants that do not fall down when your legs are in the air. Yet the fear is still there. I don't want anyone to ever see them.. I also have this fear that people will like.. "smell" it on me, that I am messed up.. ever since my meltdown in August I've been so messed up and emotionally volatile. And somehow, this makes it hard to go to yoga. Um, yeah, doesn't make sense, does it?

Today I was able to have a loooong "mindful bike ride." I rode my bike more than 5 miles today. I'd actually estimate I rode about 8 miles. I wasn't "there" for the whole period, certainly slipped off in thought while riding around, but I was pretty good, and this attempt to ride my bike mindfully, pay attention to the scenery and the blue skies, etc, was not at all anxiety-provoking. Lately I've been riding my bike to work since the weather is cool enough that I don't sweat. Maybe I will make a commitment to ride my bike to work every day and make my daily mindful activity my bike ride. I like the idea of this, since I've been enjoying my bike rides lately and this kind of physical activity is good for me.

Well, look at that. Willingness to take steps to heal. Maybe I'll start with this before I start trying to force myself back to yoga class.