I had to laugh when I read this because it made me realize that I require all kinds of signs of engagementn(nothing as straightforward as meeting another person's eyes1), and they're what I'm testing for: I can tell--out of the corner of my eye, of course! lol--whether or not he shifts in his chair; I can read the tone of his voice; I listen for what direction he takes with the conversation--or with his insights--or his next question....all clues to where he is. Then, as is my wont, I decide whether I'm going with him where he went, or whether I need something else, and I test the waters again...or wait and hope he'll try something else that will be closer to what I want.

I have trouble turning my face toward my therapist, for all the reasons you give above for why people do look at each other: I don't want them to read me like you want to read your therapist/others. My m.o. used to be to hide, using persona to get me through a situation, double-thinking all along the way--think of Duchamp's Nude Descending a Staircase: many different directions possible, narrowing to a choice which blossoms again into many different directions, narrowing, etc.....If I let someone see me and it doesn't go the way I want, I lose some control of the situation...A lot of times, catching all those tiny, tiny clues is like having a sixth sense about people: if I can do it, I assume they can, too--so I hide everything I can in an effort to control how exposed I might be to in such a vulnerable situation. I mainly listen for anger, scorn, kindness, watch for any impatient movements, any leaning forward or away, any stillness--that connotes close listening....probably more. And all those can be caught from the tiniest of indicators..........course, I'm wrong sometimes, and that's a bi.ch, but I don't know that it happens any more with my m.o. than if I'd looked face-to-face. It's really important to keep in mind that we're talking about in session. Out of session, I have a charming smile, eyes that crinkle when I smile, an earnest gaze, etc--that is, I have all the marks of an open person. But that's the point: they're "markers", not the real thing. In a way, it is more honest for me NOT to look at my therapist....if I do look at him, I am far, far more conscious of how I look to him than of how he looks to me.