Hi Twinks,

As usual, let me ditto that posting. I definitely understand your dilemma.

I've been able to maintain some sort of distance from my T for a long time. I have this habit of falling in "crush" with any male authority figure that gives me even a small amount of attention. I recognized the pattern with my last physician and was determined to leave the crush with my doc, and not move on to my T. The last 2 mon however, its as if a wall suddenly fell somehow. I realized I've pretty much let my T "in" so to speak. It seemed to stem from his kind of subtle encouragment to have the emails I sent him mirror my journal. It was a little uncomfortable to realize after a bit that I was now journalling to him, but I've tried not to look at that too hard. Then, two sessions ago, I sat down as usual and turned to look at my T, and realized the man looking back at me was definitely an attractive, good looking man. ULP!!! When did that happen???? Eye contact has definitely dropped off since then. Like you say, I know it's me, and somehow related to T and whatever I missed someplace along the way, but I don't know what to do with it.

I have that same draw you were mentioning. I feel like I want to lean on him more, that I need more support if I'm going to look at some of this other stuff... But if I do that, it will only muck up the water more. I almost asked him last week about it, but realized where the question was going half way through and refused to continue. I'm hoping he won't return to the issue this week.

You mentioned how your T has not brought the issue up again... The reason i'm hoping my T won't, is that he has a policy of letting the client choose the issues to discuss. He almost never brings up a topic, or returns to a topic, unless I introduce it. Is it possible that's the reason your T hasn't returned to the subject; that he's figuring it was dealt with unless you say something to the contrary?

It's kind of ironic somehow. I just never thought therapy would be about this... Learning to deal with being attracted to the guy, & trying to find ways not to feel too dependent on them.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now with depression. It's definitely a really tough place to be. I was happy last week to at last be able to see that there are hills and valleys for me. A bad day or three doesn't mean they all will be, suddenly I'll get up one morning and actually have a decent day for a change. It's given me hope. I wish the same for you.

Take care, and thanks for the thread, Quay