Well, Wed was the big breakthrough session for me when I was finally able to allow the deepest and most core part of my trauma be expressed fully.

It was bone-chilling for me to hear my inner child in that way. I am not exaggerating. I can still hear that part of me saying a certain phrase over and over and wailing. I knew there was hidden pain I couldn't touch by myself. I have tried over the years to get to that part - to find out my own secrets. But I couldn't do it alone.

For those of you still working on your trauma healing work, keep on doing it. Be slow and gentle with yourself. And allow yourself the time to build trust with your T. There would have been no way I could have reached this depth without trust. And it is OK to not trust and to tell T you don't trust. Let T keep on doing what is needed to make sure all your parts (if you are DID) or your inner child knows they are actually safe. My protector part did NOT trust T up until the session right before last. T even asked if that part trusted him and that part of me didn't. And that is OK. By being honest, T could see a bit more of what that part of me needed and he said the right things to get that part of me to trust him. With that trust in place, we were finally able to get past that protector part and my most inner self was able to finally talk directly with my T.

Now for the reason of my title on this post... since Wed, I have felt very different. It is a deep peace that I have never felt before in my entire life. It is like the secret is out and I don't have to carry it with me any more. I am kinda shocked that this is the feeling I think most healthy people get to enjoy most days!

Before this breakthrough, I thought "If everyone feels the way I do every single day, how do people stay sane or alive?" The weight of the universe I have carried my entire life was so great that it made me feel like Sisyphus rolling that blasted stone uphill every single day only to have it roll back down to the bottom as I slept.

Now that the stone was finally pushed off the cliff, I feel a void. It is a good void. But I also remember something my mentor (the retired Ph.D) telling me that a void will want to be filled. And I sense that is truth.

So what am I going to choose to put into my new space of freedom?
I am "kinda afraid" because I suddenly have all this new emotional space. But I am also very happy about it. I honestly feel like the universe and my T and my hard work has given me a second chance at life. So I think I am going to spend the rest of this year in session with my T getting my new tools in place to help me make the best choices.

Thank you all for being with me along this journey!