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i just sent this to my t. this is miserable. i don't know how to get past it, how to survive it. is this really what it's supposed to be like?
it terrifies me to come see you tomorrow, but i can't wait to see you tomorrow. i'm terrified to change, but i want so very much to change. it's like i'm one big contradiction. one minute i long for something different, the next i'm terrified of it. it's like there's this closed door in front of me. all i have to do is open the door and step through, but my hands are shaking too much to turn the knob. i don't have the strength to open it. or maybe i'm just too scared to open it. i have a civil war going on inside me and there are no winners in a civil war.
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