Quote:
Originally Posted by doogie
Do you ever just feel like an hour on the calendar that can be added/deleted/moved at will - T's will, not yours?
I usually have weekly appointments. Every week, same day/time. Lately it seems that for some reason or another (T's reason) we have needed to move. 2 weeks ago we had cancel our regular weekly time and she offered another time the same week. I totally acted out and didn't go the other time she offered me. I know this was my way of trying to have some control over the situation. It was a bad move on my part, but I hate feeling like T has all the control (it's one of my "issues") Then, this past week T had a family emergency and we had to miss session. This upcoming week she is taking off for the holiday. I know that hour we are together she is totally with me and cares, but I'm really running up against the whole "I'm just a client. I'm just an hour on her calendar." feeling and it stinks. I know she cares about me, and really I AM just a client. I mean - that is what therapy is, right? I just hate the helplessness of feeling like she can just move me around or take not see me willy nilly, you know? All the while, I still have my crap to deal with. It makes me want to pull away from her - as if to say "I'll show you I don't need you." I don't know. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I hate it. I don't like feeling this way at all.
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I know what you mean about control. That's why I have a hard time REALLY discussing my issues, why I hold back. I also don't like to feel like I am losing control, to feel weak (my perception of "weak" I'm learning is not really what that means).
Secondly, if you think about ALL RELATIONSHIPS, not just with T, you will find out that every single last one of them are subject to having something happen, something out of our control... ever been dumped by a gf? Ever been neglected by your parents? Rejected? Etc? On the other hand, ever found out you were loved and cared for even though you thought someone didn't really like you? Even though you thought maybe a parent or family member or friend or teacher didn't care, but then found out otherwise? Happened to me before. Perception is everything. Consider that you might be wrong about your perception of what is really going on with you and your T.
Let me repeat-- Perception, IS everything. But consider that you MIGHT be wrong, that your assertion that T doesn't or might not care might be based on faulty perception, not reality.
I have an excellent quote that sometimes helps me. I don't know who said it, but it is a Buddhist teaching:
"Consider the glass as already broken". Everything breaks anyway. Might as well make the best of it.
That way if/when something negative happens, you will be prepared for it and willing to go at full gusto toward your goals anyway. If the glass is already broken, there is nothing you can do about it. I don't know if that concept will work for you, but give it a shot. Don't take that quote as an excuse to become apathetic. It means that nothing is perfect.
I have this book; in fact the reason the book has special meaning for me is that when I became an adult, it was the first book I ever bought. I got it at the airport on a whim for something to read that I thought well, maybe it might have some value in it. Turns out I was right, it wasn't as cheesy as I thought it was going to be. It's called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's ALL Small Stuff". I can't remember the author, but the book has been in print for several years. It helps me put things into perspective. Maybe you could look for that book?