I think you are brave really, to talk about how you really feel in here. You know, like your emotions, vulnerabilities, sadness... things I have a hard time discussing.

Do you know your T very well yet, or is he new? I'm scared almost every time I go to T, but I resign myself to just simply doing it anyway. In spite of being scared. That's courage. I think you have courage and you'll get there anyway. I think most people, if not all, have anxiety on some level when it comes to trusting or building up a trusting relationship with a T. It's not easy. I think people who go to therapy are pretty brave, and I'm not just saying that.

My family are scared to death of going to T's. They have a saying "what happens in the family, stays in the family". The truth is that this statement they proclaim to say so strongly, so proudly-only reflects their fear and shame about generations of secrets within the family of abuse, neglect, adoption, drug and alcohol abuse. They are scared to death to confront their own feelings, their own actions, their own decisions, emotions... Everything modern scientific knowledge knows about psychological processes says this is SUPER UNHEALTHY, yet they cling to it as if it is all they have.

My family lives with a collective neurosis of anxiety, fear, and shame because they simply refuse to talk about it and deal with it in a healthy way. Their decision to pretend that everything is okay after such things and to keep them like they are some sort of badge of honor within the family is a bunch of crap. The difference between someone who is like you or like me or other people in therapy is that even though we are scared to death, we take that step anyway because we don't want to live like that.

You are normal, and I think you can do it in spite of what you feel in the moment. I have an anxiety disorder, and I did it. If I can do it, you can too, and over time you might even feel silly when you look back on that day.