Thanks, all. I realize there's a lot you have to learn about me to understand why some of the solutions that have been and will be suggested won't work for me. Some have already been suggested in my life.

I tried to go back to college. I'm really angry about the fact that when I was young, in high school, I was given misinformation, and thought I couldn't go to a state college without having had college prep courses in high school, or without going to community college first. I only found out two or three years ago that I could have gone to a state school, and maybe would have been in a better place now.

Anyway, I applied, got in, even got financial aid. But I found out, I still couldn't get in, because I couldn't afford the money that would have to come out of my pocket. Almost every penny of my Social Security goes to my boyfriend for rent and bills and money I owe him. The rest (about $20-50) has to cover monthly needs--which it really doesn't. I'd rather go to school in California, but I figured I could at least start college here and hopefully find a way to transfer. In any case, it would give me an education.

One of my plans is to write, but I need my own computer for that; I don't have enough time on my boyfriend's computer. My mom sold her house/is selling her house (I don't understand it too well), and says she'll get me a laptop when she has the money. (I didn't ask her for this; she offered.) But, while I don't blame her, she told me this back in March, expecting this to happen in about a month, and it still hasn't happened. She says it's something having to do with the lawyer. I don't know if I write well enough to make the kind of money I need, but it's something.

Greenleaves, the problem is...I haven't achieved much at all. I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything--I can type, which I learned in high school (I'd intended to learn the first chance I got when my parents got me an electric typewriter when I was a kid), I'm pretty good at web design (although not so much with scripting languages; however, I can get pre-written scripts working, usually, and have learned to figure out some things), and there might be some things I'm not thinking of right now, but the problem is, I'm not an expert at anything. I don't know anything well enough to do it for a business. Plus, again, there are problems. For instance, I can't have people in my apartment to do web design, plus I don't know business well enough, and I don't know anything but HTML really well.

Dexter, he's not the only one who's told me or made me feel like a burden. My parents, too. I disagree, though...I think you can love someone and they can still be a burden. People who are elderly or very sick and need special care can't help it, but I took care of my dad when he was dying, and it was overwhelming. Just because I don't want to be a burden, doesn't mean I'm not one. And just because it hurts feelings, doesn't make it less true.

Dottie, what's a "Microwave Maven"?

Vulgerlove, I found out a couple days ago, when I tried to make a 4th post, that I couldn't make more that day. I emailed DocJohn and he told me I have to make 15 total posts (which will take 5 or more days, depending if I post 3x each day or not), to be able to post freely.

Just to be clear, if I could get out and live on my own, I'd pursue my dreams, guilt or not. I've never NOT intended to pursue my career. It's just a lot of things that got in the way.

Oh, and one other thing...I'm scared as hell. But I know what works for me and what doesn't, and I get tired of therapists telling me to do what I've tried over and over, just because they've seen it work for some. One of the other things I've seen, and this isn't just with therapists, but people in general, when you meet someone new, they want you to try something you've tried with others before them, but even if you say you've tried, they act like your experiences before don't count, and want you to try it for them. It's only once for them, but it might be 10 or 12 times for you. Just because they haven't seen your attempts, doesn't mean you haven't tried.