Alright, this could be a trigger for anyone, and I would hate to be the cause of a trigger so please read with caution. Thank you very much...

There's something that's bothering me and that I don't really understand. I don't like to talk about it, but I know that I'm on this site to seek help and support so... Here it goes.

I have cut, and I am constantly resisting the strong urge to cut again. I haven't for about 3 months now, and so I'm really proud of myself. However it feels like any day that could change.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about this is that I haven't always cut because of any sort of emotional turmoil or pain. Instead I am disturbed because a good portion of the time I will cut merely.. To cut. To see the blood, to see the skin sliced over, and then to watch it heal. It's more of a fascination and a curiosity for me. This seems to be the urge that I am desperately combating right now.

And so I don't understand, and I'm trying to figure out why I have such stronger urges to harm myself when I can't find any emotional pain that would explain the behavior or urge.

If you have any insight on this, I would really appreciate any input. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Edit: Oh, I know that one reason I have a habit of cutting, even without emotional triggering of some sort, is because in my mind I have a twisted belief that I should always have some sort of scratch or bruise on my body. It seems like the norm, I grew up with scratches and bruises from rough housing and climbing trees. So I kind of identified with those scratches and bruises. I hardly rough house as much as I used to, and I've learned to climb trees without getting any scratches... So when I have no scratches or anything, it just feels wrong.