Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel unsure of myself, and I was hoping for some feedback from the community regarding a course of action.

As a little background: I've been depressed for most of my life, I've had a couple of suicide attempts in the past, had self injured for several years, and have been in many different psychiatric treatment settings over time. I'm not bipolar, but I do notice a sort of cycling in my emotions every couple of years where I'll become depressed for no good reason (no real financial, romantic, or other triggers), spiraling down into wanting to die, until I finally bottom out and try to manage my issues with medication and therapy, then eventually become annoyed when the treatment doesn't help. Then I decide I can manage things on my own without a therapist or taking any meds (and I do) until the day when I have my next depressive flop. It's in this sort of mental limp of alternately seeking and then shunning help that I've progressed from adolescence into adulthood, and just turned 30 this year. In light of this milestone, this past year I've especially made a concerted effort to stick with the treatment, and was determined that I would find the right combination of talk therapy and pills that would help me function out on my own. However, I've had a depressive episode for the past couple of months, and it's been a doozy. Since I'd done the responsible thing and kept my weekly appointments, plus continued taking my medication as prescribed, and cut back on the things that the doctors frown upon to manage my mood (alcohol, sleep, things like that), it got so I began feeling hopeless that I'd ever really be able to manage much of anything. Once again I became suicidal, but this time I wasn't sure the love of my family was going to see me though this particular rough patch. So I turned myself in at the hospital, and spent a few weeks as an inpatient at a private place. I've since been released to stay with a friend while I'm getting outpatient ECT treatments at the local hospital. I've have 5 so far, and am scheduled for at least 2 more, but I'm not sure how much they're helping. As I still want to die, I'll say they haven't been very therapeutic. I'm about to give up on the treatments, but wanted to see what you all thought first.

On the one hand I think I need to cut all this nonsense out, and get back to work. My family and friends are all worried about me, and I have to get back to my regularly scheduled programming. This is the route I always go after one of my depressions, the pick myself up and dust myself off approach, I suppose. But then I have this other side of me now that's saying I refuse to pretend things are ok again. I'm sick of living behind a mask, and projecting this false life for the sake of the people around me. That side of me says that things are going to have to change, either with my death, or through a miracle of modern psychiatry. Until I get that change I should keep pursuing the ECT route as my most viable . So then my options that I'm faced with are: should I resume my old life, or completely walk away from that life going into either a) the grave or b) the asylum? How long should I wait to see if the ECT is going to help? If I pretend things are fine by going back to work, then am I glossing over my issues in an unhealthy way? Or is that how I focus on the positive aspects of my life, and get back up in the saddle again? Is there some way I can tell if I'm doing what's best, and when I've held out waiting as long as is possible? Anyone gone through something similar, or have some pointers for me? Thank you