Thanks again for all the encouragement. Not wise at all, Rainbow - LOL. I am just winging it and trying hard like all you guys :-)

Yestersay was a challenge. I had my brother call to tell me he is going to see me THIS Sat/Sunday. I love him and he is not the one with the girls.. but I was still triggered. I ended up sending T an email and wish now I hadn't done that. Not that it is his fault I am not in my good mood I have been enjoying. But he told me to not be a protector for my little brothers any more - that they are grown men.

I had also said something in the email about being irrationally worried about T - because of what I told him - because of the threats made against me as a child to harm anyone I told. I know the threats were empty and meant to manipulate me, but my little part still wanted to make sure T was "OK" ... So I included that part.

For some reason, I ended up interpreting what he told me as him telling me to not care about HIM. He said: " Your brother is a grown man. He is no longer a little boy. Let him take care of himself. Write a resignation letter from being the big sister who protects."

So of course I took this and my emotions were all "To heck with it!"
I ended up being in a ton of internal pain and think T hit a nerve (duh) but I finally had to write something back so I could just escape the pain... so this is what I sent T back:

"
Brothers,

Too long now I was sad because I wasn't able to help when I thought I should have been able to help. I don't know now how to feel or what to do.
I spent too much time being mad at myself for not being there to protect you.
But you are grown now and you are doing fine without me anyway and I project that I can help you but I can't and it is not good for me. I don't care anymore ever and I am sorry.

W "

I did start off writing my brothers in the first part, but by the last line, I was only thinking about my T. It is hard to care and not care at the exact same time. Oddly, I felt better after I sent that. I thought "Who cares? Not me! I didn't know you before you were my T so why should I care now!"

I know this was the same way I dealt with the threats when I was a kid. I emotionally turned off loving my family because I felt that would keep me safe from them being hurt.

Oh well, two steps forward, one step back. Still progress I suppose.