Relationship, Therapy is about the relationship. Last week I was triggered back into the past, it no longer was about T's off-hand remark regarding her seriousness, its about what happens once a rupture has occurred.

I told T today that I feel as if I'd battered her and saying sorry felt horrible, T said I hadn't battered her, that my aggression isn't dangerous to her. She said my adoptive mother was heavily defended against my aggression. I told T in my head, last week was badddd, and that it was changed for ever, T asked if that was true? I sat flashing between in my head and reality, and I said no it seems ok here today, T was her normal self, then I suddenly remembered one xmas when I was a teenager and had got drunk, and my adoptive mother said I Had spoilt xmas and took the tree and trimmings down. I felt awful then, wanted to say sorry to her then, but knew by then there was no end to ruptures with my adoptive mother.

T asked if I felt I was being punished by her (T) now? I said no. T said you feel as if your aggression is unsurmountable, just because your adoptive mother couldnt withstand it, but she said again that I haven't destroyed her, unlike my adoptive mothers fragile ego which defended against destruction, T said the opposite of destruction is creation and that I need to destroy her to create her again for my inner world. She said again considering my history nothing was wrong about last week.

As I left today and drove home I was filled with that freeing feeling of not being punished, being loved and understood instead, I feel as if I need to repeat this cycle a few hundred times yet for them to become a new way of being, I also understood T was partly right about last week, yes what she said did push me further into flashback, but I had already "brought" that into the room with me, it was a memory looking to be resolved because today I couldn't give a dam about T's response last week and actually find it slightly funny now the trigger is being resolved, and without being triggered I'd never get to heal, as I say though, today I really did appricate the relationship in therapy, so much healing to be done in that. I told T how I am so afraid to hang on to her, and T said yes and your restricting that part of you causes so much discomfort, it would be easier to just let yourself sink into the moment and let yourself attach, I said I know but I just don't know how too, and T said, yes I understand that and I Understand its not a conscious thing, most of this is coming from an unconscious place.