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PT52 · Nov 22, 2010, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

Hi Everyone-

I am new here. I was just officially diagnosed with Bipolar late last week, after three years full of hospitalizations, three suicide attempts, and buckets of different medications.

I have been struggling with Anorexia for a long time. I was hospitalized for this three times over the coarse of the past three years. In addition to the Anorexia, the docs thought that I had Major Depressive Disorder, which led to over sixty ECT treatments and a ton of medications. Despite the treatments, nothing seemed to help.

Then, in September, I mysteriously stopped sleeping. I would spend hours cleaning, organizing, and doing things for my four kids. I was never tired. After a month or so of this, I hit a wall. I still couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted. My doc thought that the Emsam patch that I was taking was putting me in a medication-induced hypomania. He took me off of the patch, but I didn't get better. He tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, and other meds. They didn't work. I became very suicidal.

Finally, last week, after listening to my suicidal ideations and pleas for sleep, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.

He put me on 1,000 mg of Depakote and back on the Emsam patch.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel worse than ever. I am very suicidal. I am feeling extremely groggy, due to the meds. The Depakote makes me feel terrible (foggy and out of it). I am still not sleeping enough.

My question is, when people are first diagnosed, do most docs put people in the hospital, while they experiment with different drugs? Being in the "real world" with four kids seems risky with all of this drug experimentation.

I stopped taking the Depakote over the weekend. I couldn't take the feelings anymore. My suicidal urges have grown, and my irrational thinking is at an all-time high. Also, after reading the posts about Depakote weight gain, I don't want to take it. I still struggle with my ed and will go crazy if I gain weight.

Does Lithium cause the same weight gain? What is it like to be initially put on Lithium? Does it produce the same side-effects as the Depakote?

I am losing my mind. I cannot live like this. I am hanging by a fine thread. I know I have four kids, but I need peace. I have no guilt about wanting to die.

Thanks.

irishgirl4, welcome to PC. I'm glad you found us. Here you will find a place full of people who have been where you are and who have made it through.

First things first - don't hesitate to go the the emergency room if you feel like you're an immediate danger to yourself or to your children.

Stopping any medication without the supervision of your doctor can be dangerous. Anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer can trigger a manic phase and not necessarily ease the depression, which is why you need a doctor to monitor your meds. Finding the right combination takes time; if you feel you need to be inpatient while you adjust, be completely honest with your doctor about how you feel.

I understand the weight issue; I was anorexic for many years. It's hard to get rational thoughts through when your mind is playing terrible games with your body. Remember this: pounds gained can be lost; it is a temporary set back. But a life lost cannot be regained; it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Right now you feel no guilt about leaving your children, I get that. Each of them will have to follow their own life path. You can help them now by showing them how to be a survivor; how to take control over your illness and not let it control you.

For me, I am eternally grateful that I did not leave my children behind. They grew up to be amazing adults in spite of having a mother that could be impossible to live with. And I have two beautiful grandbabies with another on the way... little miracles..so much love in one tiny, little body. I hope you can see that it's worth the struggle to stay and face down whatever life throws at you.

I wish you peace and the strength to find that one spark of joy that will keep you going.