This is not about anyone here at PC. I'm only writing here because I have no place else to let my emotions out. No place else to turn, no one that really cares any ways. Maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here....what will happen...people will hate me if they don't already...should that matter....it does....but why should it....I can't decide.............

It's really upsetting when you think people get you and understand you but then find out they are just being around you because they feel they have to be. I feel I have worked very hard at my recovery for 3 1/2 years yet I'm still so lost. Still don't know who I am, what I should be, who I should be.

I don't understand why, when I try so hard to change my life, I feel I am hit with so much loss, dispare, hurt, and disappointment. I feel I have given so much of myself, my feelings, emotions, thoughts, to my old T, and I've lost him....I've done so much to make my life at home better....to know avail. I've even put myself out there to be abused, again, when I thought I would never do that again. It's my fault, I was only asking for it. Not to mention, I lost my parents to me going to therapy, listening to my T, trying to do what I thought was good for me. I want to take it all back.

I want, maybe.....my head it so running, so fast I can't think....where does this lead me....dead end.

I have an MRI next Monday the 29th to see if the mass in my head has grown. These are times when I just wish it would take over my brain and let me go. It' doesn't really matter if I'm here or not.