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lynn09 · 05:37 PM

((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))) - I can really hear and feel your pain and frustration - OUCH! I'm soooo sorry - I'm pretty much in the same place right now myself.

I don't hate you, and I'm sure there are plenty of others here and in your real life that don't hate you either - and if anyone does, that's THEIR problem!

It is not your "fault" that you were abused again - your abuser is responsible for their own misbehavior. Those of us with backgrounds of abuse frequently have difficulty staying out of abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Having been abused in the past, especially for prolonged periods of time, we don't always recognize abuse for what it is right away because we're used to it - our minds have learned to "accept" a certain level of abuse as "normal," so we don't always see the red flags or hear the alarms until the abuse escalates above a certain point. Also, we have a tendency to actually be attracted to abusers because we feel "comfortable" because it's familiar - and even being around non-abusers can be very uncomfortable and unsettling because it is foreign to us - we don't know what we are seeing and it scares us - and we even have a tendency to think that we don't deserve to be treated with respect and consideration due to the damage inflicted on our identities and self-esteem by our abusers.

Your user ID and your signature quotes say so much - they speak to hope even when you are feeling so hopeless. I understand your feelings of despair and loss over the efforts you have made that have not produced the results you hoped for. Healing, just like the rest of life, is a "trial-and-error" process - a matter of learning what does and does not work for you - so your efforts and experiences to date have not been wasted. Even though your efforts have not produced the positive results you want, at least you know some of the things that don't work and you can eliminate them and move on to the next approach.

I know that you invested a lot of yourself in your last T and are deeply wounded by how that relationship ended. However, this does not mean that the same thing is going to happen with your next T - it may or may not - but you have to keep trying out Ts until you find the right one - the one who is qualified and able to help you reap the best return on your investment of your time and energy. I know - it's exhausting even to think of starting from scratch with a new T - been there! The truth is, however, that you really are not starting from scratch because you are taking into that new T/client relationship all that you have learned from your past experiences.

You need and deserve the very best treatment and support available to help you become the person you want to be and to create the life you want for yourself. Those who are not or cannot be willing and able to provide the specific support you need must be weeded out whether you like them as individuals or not - it's about making progress towards achieving your goals and improving the quality of your life - your one and only life. This is important work you are doing, and you are the BOSS looking to employ the very best staff to do the jobs that you need done.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing - and how the MRI comes out. Please take extra-gentle care of yourself - be kind, care, and compassionate towards yourself. You're not a machine - you're a frail, flawed human being just like the rest of us trying to figure out how to make the best of the life and time allotted to us mere mortals. Ease up on yourself. lynn09