At my last session, last Monday, T and I just totally missed each other, and even though I was there for 90 minutes, we only got to what I needed to talk about in the last 10 minutes. I had been holding some really really hard stuff waiting for that appt, and I had to move on and keep holding it until this week.

Since my last session, I've made myself busier and busier and busier and busier. Pushing the crap down was just so hard - T wanted me to try to leave it in my box in his office, and I tried, but I just couldn't. So. I've been moving and working and doing NON-stop, faster and faster and faster. On the way to T today, I realized that I almost felt like I was going crazy...I was jittery, shaking all over, HYPER, racing in my mind, totally disconnected from my body. I got to T and I couldn't sit still. I told him that I felt so so so so wound up. He said something about being manic. I don't know if that was it, but I felt awful and on the verge of just totally losing it.

It took me about 30 minutes (we had a 90 minute appt today), but I started quieting down a little...but when I would quiet down, I could literally feel my feelings coming over me like a huge wave. Ugh. So I would start bouncing around again to make it go away. T asked me to try to stay with it, to stay in the quiet place, and I knew I didn't want to leave and sit with everything for ANOTHER week, so I tried.

I let myself be still, and the first thing I noticed was that my heart hurt. A LOT. I told T. And then I noticed that I was really really really hungry. I told T "I'm hungry" and burst into tears. I've been so disconnected from my body, that I haven't felt tired, or hungry, or ANYTHING. Like I haven't even had a body. So I haven't been eating, or sleeping much, or anything. Just going going going.

Realizing I was so hungry made me cry. And once I started crying, it was like I had tapped into this sadness WAY DEEP DOWN inside of me. Like an endless pool of it. It scared me, but I couldn't stop. I cried and cried, and T sat there and sort of murmured things like "good girl" and "let yourself feel it".

I drew him a picture. It was an outline of me. I colored the entire inside blue, with just a little border of white all around. I told him I felt like the white part is the me that I've been allowing myself to be for all of these years, and that the blue me - most of me, is the me that's really there inside. And that there is so much sadness there that it will never, EVER be better. Like I AM sadness, sadness with just a little shell of protection.

I told T that I *know* he hates me and T said that I need to believe that, because I can't believe that I'm a monster and that I'm lovable at the same time. I told him about the spiral I have when I'm sad...I feel sad, I think about why I'm sad, one episode of abuse leads to another in my head, and I get to 8 year old me and think "it's my fault" and I get overwhelmed with shame and need to shut everything down. T wants me to insert "It's not my fault" into the spiral when I get there. He said that I've had this belief for SO long, and that I need to just accept that there is going to be a lot of sadness and that I'm going to get into that spiral...to let it be there, and to add "it's not my fault" to it, even if I don't believe it yet.

At the end, I started crying MORE and said that he is the only person in the world who knows the things I've told him, and that when I leave there, I don't know if he is still holding it with me. I'm afraid that he forgets about me, and that I'm alone with it again. He said that I have a hard time believing that I really take up space in his life. I do have a hard time believing it. He says he loves me and that I take up space in his life. I want to believe him.

So. I don't want to get back to the scary, manic place. And being in the sad place is.....sad. It's painful. And there are happy things in my life, or at least things that I *want* to be happy things for my boys...decorating for Christmas, Thanksgiving, all of our holiday traditions. It feels so vulnerable to let the sadness and the happiness be there together. It makes me feel so fragile and tender. But the alternative is no good either - the running, and the not feeling. I'm going to try to let myself just be in this middle place, even though it makes my heart ache so much.

I know this is long, and I don't know if anyone will even read it, but I just needed to get it down somewhere, so here it is.

Thanks for letting me take up PC space.