I spent 25 years exactly how you have explained. Either the side effects of the meds were unbearable or the meds didn't work the way they were intended. I ended a very chaotic and high stress marriage, and then found Seroquel. I take it 3 times a day, which quells the rapid cycling, i take a much larger dose at night which allows me to sleep for the first time in my life. I live alone and do get lonely periodically, but I no longer have to try to live up to someone else's expectations. I had given up on meds when I first tried seroquel and expected it to not work but it did. I hope you can find a med, and some peace.