I have that with a few things. The letter I read, I had written at 4am in a daze and it was full of random sentences that didn't relate to one another. That was the reason I didn't send it but at the time it calmed my anxiety and helped me fall asleep. I feel a little conflicted when I see it or read it, but my silliness makes me laugh a little regardless.

Thanks. I can say that there are good memories, bad memories, good feelings and bad feelings all mixed up that I'm still trying to sort through. Today I vented a little to my friend about the "abuse" in our relationship and the manipulation. But other days I'll have a sudden wave of irrational emotions and miss his company. Inside I regret that I never told him about the things I did and the stuff I thought; how much emotion and meaning I put behind a lot of things for us, but never showed it. But on the other hand I'm glad I didn't or else I would feel even worse.. I would get that "He knew but he still did it " feeling instead of the "he only did it because he didn't know" feeling (which I prefer).

The shredded up card.. now that had lots of meaning to it. He sent it to me, thinking to himself that it symbolized his "heart" that he was giving to me. I didn't learn that until after we broke up. The first time I shredded that card I seen it as a symbol of my trust in him, which would never be the same if I tried to put the pieces back. I tried to put the pieces back after the first time, but the tears and the cheap tape only reminded me of how broken my faith was in him... so I started hiding it. The second time I ripped it which was only last month at the beginning of October, the symbolism changed to our relationship as a whole: completely irreparable, and it's been serving as my snap back to reality when I look at it or the box.

As for him.. my feelings are just as conflicted as ever. He seemed nice; he was nice.. He listened to me and was my best friend for the longest time.. but.. He also encouraged my unhealthy habits, he didn't attempt to understand me (though I had poured out my feelings and thoughts just about everyday). I always felt like he was only with me because I was the first girl ever to give him the time of day, and because I was always "there". I always forgave, always pitied, always took him back. I was his back-up plan, I felt, and though he tried to convince me again and again I wasn't, his actions proved that I was.. Plus.. his behavior toward me when I tried to stay his friend was completely unacceptable.. I got harassed and made fun of.. But at the same time he would say he missed me and "why would he risk his relationship with Rachel to talk to me behind her back if all he wanted was to mess with my head".

I'd love to see him in a completely pure light and enjoy the blissful memories we did have in the beginning, but my view right now is tainted by confusion. If his feelings and actions were clear (which I know they will never be) I would probably have an easier time letting go. There was someone I liked so extremely much (more than him ever) before him and because that guy was always clear on his feelings and NOT liking me, I managed to accept that fairly easily and was always able to feel grateful for mild friendship we had and see him in a good light with fond memories.