I just wish people could be clear. Rene (the first guy who I had really strong feelings for) was always consistent. He didn't like me in that way, he told me so the 6+ times I confessed. Each rejection I took with grace and all I wanted from him was that he just talk to me in his free time. Because I couldn't be his girlfriend, I told myself I would be the best damn friend he ever had and I worked hard to be. If he needed something, oh no problem! You bored? Here I'll think of something fun for us to do. If he was mad at me I wouldn't give up until he forgave me, and did so without loosing any of my dignity. All his friends kept telling him he should go out with me because of how much I valued him and the little he could offer, but he was still consistent and true to his feelings and said no.

With Jesse it was lies upon lies. He left me for any new girl that came around, but then came crawling back when that didn't work. It was say something but do something else later. I'm sure just about everything he told me was a lie, and I'm not ever going to understand why. If anything, I was the most forgiving and understanding person he ever met and if he had just told the truth I would have probably taken it with grace and asked for a mere friendship (like I did with Rene). He said he didn't tell me about Rachel because he was afraid to hurt me. Going along with it hurts me more, keeping me on a short leash when I wanted to leave hurts me more, coming back and saying you miss me and still think of me as your close friend but treating me like used trash, hurts me more than saying you just don't want to anymore.

Today I had my friend tell me the way I dealt with things were all wrong. I went off on him and told him it was only he who thought my way was wrong.. but now I feel horrible because I know I hurt his feelings..