Wow zoo. You took the words out of my mouth.. I feel the same way. I even told T before, "All this neediness inside me has to go somewhere." And that I have a "black hole" inside of me. I also said that my insides are like a "big black tangle." The session after she informed me about her move, I said, "Losing you is like losing myself." AH can you believe I actually said it?

Anyway I'm trying to say I relate. AND I am getting through it. Somehow, I've BEEN able to deal with an abrupt and painful termination even though this festering sickening awful fear of losing myself screams inside of me. It feels like instability, like I am on the edge of a cliff.. but truth is, I never fall off if I stay aware, don't fight it, and don't let myself slip under. The crazy thing is I am pretty much coping and getting through, even WHILE my brain screams. And then, as I continue to do my daily stuff, it goes quiet. Screams again. Goes quiet. I've learned that HAVING the screaming inside isn't actually dangerous. I mean, it's awful and it floors me and it definitely leads to frightening little meltdowns but there's no need to get stuck in WHY I have it and what it MEANS to have it and how to MAKE IT GO AWAY.

It's like the tar baby. Did you ever hear that Brer Rabbit story? The more you punch and punch at the tar baby, the more stuck and stuck you get. Anyway I hope this helps zoo. I'm trying to say, it's okay. You're okay. You'll survive.