I've never felt this low in my life. This is my first post here, I've always been too delusional to admit I suffer from depression. But, I've also never felt this low before.

My entire immediate family suffers from depression. My mother is a manic depressant who is a roller coaster which is a struggle to say the least. My sister also suffers from depression, but is rather strong and rarely has an episode.

I guess my life changed a few months ago I came home from class to find my mother barely breathing in bed. She had attempted to take her own life. I found her, vomit all over, completely out of it, and barely breathing. I didn't even feel human, I had zero emotions, just called the ambulance, kept my mother awake until they came, notified my sister who was a wreck, and spent the next few days @ the hospital. I can't even remember if I cried for her. I've cried one time in my life that I recall (up until recently) when my aunt died of breast cancer. I am still ashamed that I did not cry when my mother attempted to take her own life and I still partially blame myself for her OD attempt. I feel like I left her alone. I am glad I found her and not my sister -- because it's something she would have never gotten over.

I've been a bit of a recluse the past few years. Basically, I go to work/school come home, eat in my room, read in my room, watch tv in my room, do homework on the pc in my room, or just go out to the bar with friends. I don't really socialize with my mother or sister who I live with. I don't know why. I love them, but I don't know... I just don't bring myself to do it often.

I've had a pretty bad week. I have been overwhelmed with exams during class, working 40 hour weeks, and a recent break up with a girl I had been seeing who my feelings were ridiculously strong for.

My mother had her suicide attempt about a week before the semester started -- I didn't bother showing up for my first Organic Chemistry class. I didn't even think I wanted to go to school anymore, but decided to show up to the second class. Before the class started, one of the best looking girls I've ever met in my life approached me and started talking to me, clearly liked me. I couldn't really believe it, but we began seeing each other after class, going out for drinks, and developed a relationship. She was very open -- told me everything about her family, introduced me to her brother and family, and all the while I stayed very guarded and refused to let her in on much. Basically, all but told me she was in love with me. She practically begged me to open up to her about myself and I never did. A few days ago, she told me she could not be with me if I didn't open up to her, she was crying, and I just walked away. She ran back to her ex-boyfriend and I am still crushed, but I blame myself for that. The worst part is we are still in class together and I can't avoid her. I thought I had pretty much accepted it, but I saw her tonight and I realized how big of a mistake I made. It's pretty much torture seeing her and I have a few more weeks of it.

It's 2AM, I have a 7AM exam, followed by an 8 hour work shift. I still have quite a bit of homework to do, I'll probably stay up til 5AM thinking about how big of a mistake I made with a girl I am hopelessly in love with and eventually fall asleep. I thought about suicide for the first time in my life today -- I could never do it, but I just feel very low right now.

I have seen a therapist before and it doesn't work. I am way too guarded and just sit there staring at the clock, wasting his and my time + $. Not sure what I am going to do.